A Letter To My Teenage Self

Dear one,

                Yes, you sitting there printing out calendars on the computer so that you can record what you wear every day - I remember you.  I remember how you plan your outfits, being sure to include the occasional day to “bum it,” lest anyone think you too prissy.   Yes, I know it isn’t all about the wardrobes, but also about just the satisfaction of planning.  I also know a little of it is about protection.  Self protection against the rejection or taunts.  I remember the girl standing outside the middle school waiting to be picked up.  I remember how loud the kids’ whispers were as you stood there in your long shorts and perm-rific hair.  They stood there in their Bongo shorts,  scrunchi on the wrist, brush in hand and mockingly  questioned why anyone would wear shorts as long as that. I remember it hurt.  And I remember you, the high-schooler, working to protect yourself from that.  You began to think about what you wore,  about others’ perceptions of you, and began to try to protect yourself from those ugly whispers. 

                You, dear teenage self, are on my mind today.  I thought of you this morning because something happened that would have crumpled you.   Today, I–we--went grocery shopping.  And my outfit wasn’t planned.  We “bummed it,” wearing fleece pants that may  or may not have been worn the day (or two) before.  The hair?  Unwashed and under a baseball cap.  But the cherry on top??  We wore old tennis shoes (tennis shoes that weren’t just for looks-gasp), and do you know what?  They didn’t match.  Yep, we were out and about in public in two completely different shoes.

                There were probably some whispers, some muffled laughter directed my way.  But you know what? I didn’t hear them.  I did hear the laughter and excitement from three little girls who spotted a dog at the Salvation Army kettle.  I heard the sound of their voices as they acted out the Nutcracker throughout the store.  I heard the coos and babbles from the chubby baby as she tore apart my list.

                There may have been some fingers pointing at me today.  But I didn’t see them.  I did see my grocery cart fill with food and supplies that I use to care for this home and family God has given me.  I saw my grocery list carefully mapped out and organized, just like your clothes calendars used to be.  I saw the beautiful faces of three precious daughters ‘helping’ me shop.

                When I was you, I would have done anything to keep people from knowing I had made such a mistake.  But today? Today, I finished grocery shopping.  Today I took a picture.  I sent it to my husband, and I think it made him love me just a little more. I sent it to a friend (and I think she’s still my friend!)   I even posted it on Facebook with the thought that maybe, just maybe, there was someone who needed a laugh—and some did--but not at me, WITH me!

You may not believe me, but this is where you are headed.  You are going to get to a place where you can begin to see the tiniest glimpse of true beauty in yourself.  You are going to get to a place where you see that what matters is not the clothes you shop for and plan to wear but the royal robes the King of Kings has clothed you in and the royal tasks he has prepared you for. How, you ask?   By beginning to learn that you are going to be hurt no matter how hard you plan.  You can’t live life terrified of rejection when you have been accepted, adopted, and adored by the Creator of the Universe.  By letting go of controlling every moment and every decision so that it is ‘perfect’ by your standards.   You are going to make mistakes - some serious, some funny.  You are going to have days were you feel like nothing is easy, fair or right. There will be days you will be overcome by mistakes and should-haves and could-haves.  You can’t live life controlled by the false hope that you hold the control, because believe me, as I look back over the last 15 years or so, I am so glad that you weren’t in control.  I am so thankful that the Lord is and always will be.

But what about the whisperers and the finger pointers?  They will still be there at 30.  Some days their voices are so loud.  Some days it’s just the voices of those in the past screaming at you.  But you will find that more often than not, you can’t hear them.  The Word of God is a fantastic noise eliminator.  And God is going to provide you with people, who are going to live life in all its messiness with you - no matter what you are wearing.  People who won’t whisper, but talk straight to your heart, laugh out loud - not at you but with you.  And if you listen closely, you may even hear some different whispers.  Not whispers mocking you, but whispers of the hearts of those around you longing for the acceptance you did.  Whispers of insecurity, whispers of fear, whispers of exhaustion, and whispers of those who desperately need confidence and encouragement.

So, dear teenage self,   As you look at your clothes calendar, as you look in the mirror, as you scrutinize what you are wearing, relax and take heart.   Relax because no matter what you are wearing, no matter who you wish you could look like, or where you wish you could fit there is no place better than where you are going to end up.   While yes, it will be with unwashed hair some days and even occasionally with mismatched shoes, it is going to be exactly where the sovereign God places. And most importantly, take heart because as you plan and work through your self confidence, he is working in you.  He is shaping and molding you.   He is preparing you for those days, so that you won’t crumple with shame, but laugh with joy and gratitude for where he has brought you and look forward to where is taking you.

In His Grace,

You 15 years later